Teachable Moments.

Parenthood.  What a trip.

This past weekend was my husband's 40th birthday.  We went away for a long weekend, and it was a wonderful family time.  For the most part.

I think I've mentioned before - my kids are wide open.  They have endless energy and talk non-stop.  One of the most difficult issues I confront as a parent are the constant, split-second decisions that must be made - all day long. 

There are individual lessons, specific to each child, and basically, minor, for example:  My 7 year old has a habit of using scissors to snip off the ends of those plastic yogurt tubes, and then leaving them on the floor - or wherever else they may fall.  For the longest time, I would just clean it up, along with my regular floor sweeping.  However, recently, I realized, "He's going to keep doing this, if I don't stop and make him clean it up himself."  I needed to take the time to teach him that this behavior is not okay, and what my expectation is for trash.

This takes time.  It takes energy.  It takes me frequently repeating myself.  This. Is. Parenthood.

Then, there are the bigger issues and decisions, the ones that affect not only one person, but others. . .I promised my husband I would not document this transgression, as he feels I am creating a digital journal of our son's delinquent activities.  However, I think I can still convey the struggle of Teachable Moments.

 

I went for a run this weekend while we were in the mountains.  I have a two loop route that I run.  While I was running, the boys were out and about on their scooters.  On my final lap, I noticed that one of my children had done something he should not have done. . .As I walked my cool-down home, I found myself thinking, "This is minor.  Do I even bother to bring it up?" conflicted with, "If I don't mention this, he won't learn.  This is a Teachable Moment."  I have to mention it.  I have to use this as a learning opportunity, and I have to follow through with this, as much as I don't want to. . .This. Is. Parenthood.

So, I got home and rounded up all my boys (Dad included), and mentioned what I had found.  My youngest son immediately stepped up and took responsibility, which I totally appreciated.  This was a big step for him, because usually he denies any involvement.  So, I acknowledged that was good that he owned the mistake - but then the lesson?  The consequence?  How to convey the importance of making good choices and being respectful? 

I need a manual.  I need a handbook.  I don't know what I am doing.

Baby Blues 5/2/09

                              "Do you ever feel totally unqualified to be a parent?"
                                                "All the time."
                                               "In fact, the only time I ever felt qualified to be a parent was before I had kids."

These Teachable Moments - these frequent moments in parenting, in life, when we must stop, take a deep breath, and learn.  These moments are not just for my children, they are for me.  We all learn, and it's not always easy. . .but it's worth it, right?

Don't Skirt the Issues.

This summer, I am really struggling with my runs.

The weather has been horrid:  Hot.  Humid.  Torrential downpours.  All around yucky.

This week, I've come up with a new running mantra to try and help me through the rest of this summer sluggishness:  Embrace My New Pace.

I am running a lot slower - even walking at times - to get through my runs.  Even though I start my runs around 4:30-5am, in an effort to avoid the true heat of the day, it doesn't seem to matter.  I feel like I am trying to breathe through a mouthful of cotton.  I just need to accept that my runs will be slower and more labored, and it's okay. 

In an effort to try and stay cooler, other than running ridiculously early in the morning, I invested in an EnduraCool bandana (which can be found at your local Lowe's Home Improvement - not so shameless plug).  I bought the bandana with the realistic expectation that I would feel significantly cooler while running - and by cooler, I do mean temperature-wise, not awesomeness, although that would be an added bonus.

Not so much.  The instructions say to wet the bandana, then wring out the water, and "snap" the fabric to activate.  I followed the directions, tied on my banana (scarf style on my head), and off I went for a 6 mile run.  I honestly did not notice any temperature improvement.  Halfway through the run, I moved the bandana to around my neck, wondering if I might feel more of a difference with more skin contact.  No luck.

Just in case I am completely inept at following simple, three step instructions, I plan to try the bandana again, just to see if perhaps I didn't do it right the first time.  I'll let you know.  It would be nice if it really worked.

In a second fabulous purchase, I finally found a running skort that stays in place!  Don't get me wrong.  I love the ruffle skirt mentioned in previous posts.  I do think the ruffles add an extra zing to my step, but it's negated by my constant need to readjust the compression shorts underneath.  Very awkward.

At a group run recently another mother recommended the Brooks PR Mesh Skort.  I found them on sale this week, and bought two.  I did buy a size down in the hopes that might help the compression shorts stay in place.  I wore one skirt for a run yesterday morning, and did not adjust once!  Perfection.

Finally, as a side note update.  I rode with the Cycling Group again last night.  Not only did I improve my pace significantly, I am happy to report, I did not fall over with my bike at the end.

It's good to celebrate all successes, even the little ones.

 

Part 2: One Pill Makes You Small

It often frustrates me how people expect an "easy" fix to life's problems.  I've learned that working out and watching my nutrition is the best way to manage fitness and weight.  However, I know people who will pop whatever new diet pill comes out on the market, in an attempt to lose weight and get their dream body.  There really is no substitute for regular exercise and proper diet. . .but that takes too long, for some people.  It's not an immediate desired result.

I feel this way about medicating my child, as well.  It's not a long term solution to issues that he will deal with for the rest of his life.  Might he have to be on medication for the rest of his life?  Possibly.  But I'd rather he learn the skills and strategies for dealing with his emotions and behaviors, because I think, in the long run, it will help him more.

We have started a new program/therapy - Brain Balance.  These are "achievement centers" located throughout the US.  There is one about a 15 minute drive from our home.

This is a Behavior Bootcamp - for all of us.  The program requires an huge time and energy commitment, and rightly so - we are trying to break bad habits, create new healthy habits, and rewire my son's brain through various activities and exercises.

Our hope is that by the end of the program, our 9 year old has learned to control his behaviors and emotions, and be more responsible.  It's an huge undertaking - for all of us.  My other - more secret hope - is that he will succeed so much so, that he will not have to go back on ADHD medication for school.  I hope.  I hope.  I hope.

But I am learning, through all this "homework" that the center requires, that like working out regularly, this is no easy solution.  This is no magic pill.  This is hard work, every day.  Every.  Day.
And I am now realizing, that at the end of this 12 week program, that the hard work will have to continue - just like working out every day.

And just like some runs are really great, there are also runs that are complete disasters.  I can't get my breathing right.  Something I am wearing is uncomfortable.  I just can't go one. more. mile.  There will be Brain Balance days like this for us as well.

As always, it's not just about how we deal with the good, but how we deal with the bad.

We're shifting.

Part 1: One Pill Makes You Larger

How would you define "normal"?

I have had many, many moments in parenting, where I have thought to myself, "I wish he was normal," in reference to my now 9 year old son.  I would never, ever say that to him - but I have thought it.  Immediately, after thinking it I feel guilty. 

What is normal?  What would be sacrificed in order to have my son be more like other kids his age?  What if his differences were looked at as strengths instead of something to change or improve?

I'm not perfect. 
I know!  Sit down and catch your breath - because I know that has come as a shock to you. . .but, I am not perfect.

There are many things about me that might drive others crazy, but I think are pretty good traits, for the most part.  My husband often calls me the Steamroller of Productivity - which is his nice way of saying I am obnoxious about getting things done. . .NOW.  In a lot of ways, I like this about me.  I know I don't procrastinate.  People know to come to me, when something needs to get done, because by golly, it's going to get done.

I recently read the book, The Autistic Brain, by Temple Grandin (highly recommend).  She brings up a lot of the questions I asked above. . .What if we view autistic differences as strengths rather than weaknesses? 

My son is absolutely MY child.  He may look like his father, but his personality - the good, the bad, and the ugly - all come from me. . .and I can absolutely pinpoint a lot of it back to my father.  There is a lot to be said for genetics in these three generations. 

To an extent, I can celebrate my son's differences.  However, he also has to function as a part of a society that, for the most part, does not view his differences as strengths.  There are only so many accommodations that can be made.

For the past three years, it was recommended that we consider medicating our son, and for three years, we tried every other possible alternative (diet, therapies, behavior plans/charts, consequences/rewards, vitamins).  There was not enough "success", and this past January, we agreed to try ADHD medications.

His "success" is evaluated on his ability to conform to classroom and school environment.  Granted, our school is fabulous.  They really do make every effort to accommodate our son's needs - but again, it can only go so far.  They do have certain requirements that he must meet. . .and he wasn't meeting them.  So, we tried one ADHD medication.  It "worked" quite well for about 5 weeks.  Our son became a Steamroller of Productivity and positive attitude.  He was completing assignments for the first time.  He was working without arguing. 

He was not himself.

After 5 weeks, that medication stopped working, so we took a 1 week break while we tried to figure out another medication option to get us to the end of the school year.  During that week break, my son said to me, "I don't like the medications." 
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because it changes who I am," he simply replied.

How do I respond to that kind of statement?  What kind of mother am I to suppress who my son is inherently?  The medication acts more like a Band-Aid, covering up behaviors to get him through the day, but as he comes down off the medication (and it really is a come-down effect), he returns to himself. . .So I am essentially medicating my child to get through the school day.  The medicine doesn't help him change his ways.  It doesn't fix whatever is causing the behaviors in the first place. 



Hobbes: "You're working on your report already?"
Calvin:  "Yeah, I know."

Hobbes:  "It's not due til Thursday!"
Calvin:  "Mom says the pills must be working."

Hobbes:  "Well, see.  It's snowing outside and I thought maybe. . .
We could. . ."

Calvin:  "Sorry, what?  I wasn't listening.  I really have to finish this."







And why must he change?  It would be nice, of course, for certain behaviors to not be as impulsive or dramatic.  It would be nice if he could complete things.  But must we change who he is in order to achieve these goals?  I hope not. . .