I have had many, many moments in parenting, where I have thought to myself, "I wish he was normal," in reference to my now 9 year old son. I would never, ever say that to him - but I have thought it. Immediately, after thinking it I feel guilty.
What is normal? What would be sacrificed in order to have my son be more like other kids his age? What if his differences were looked at as strengths instead of something to change or improve?
I'm not perfect.
I know! Sit down and catch your breath - because I know that has come as a shock to you. . .but, I am not perfect.
There are many things about me that might drive others crazy, but I think are pretty good traits, for the most part. My husband often calls me the Steamroller of Productivity - which is his nice way of saying I am obnoxious about getting things done. . .NOW. In a lot of ways, I like this about me. I know I don't procrastinate. People know to come to me, when something needs to get done, because by golly, it's going to get done.
I recently read the book, The Autistic Brain, by Temple Grandin (highly recommend). She brings up a lot of the questions I asked above. . .What if we view autistic differences as strengths rather than weaknesses?
My son is absolutely MY child. He may look like his father, but his personality - the good, the bad, and the ugly - all come from me. . .and I can absolutely pinpoint a lot of it back to my father. There is a lot to be said for genetics in these three generations. To an extent, I can celebrate my son's differences. However, he also has to function as a part of a society that, for the most part, does not view his differences as strengths. There are only so many accommodations that can be made.
For the past three years, it was recommended that we consider medicating our son, and for three years, we tried every other possible alternative (diet, therapies, behavior plans/charts, consequences/rewards, vitamins). There was not enough "success", and this past January, we agreed to try ADHD medications.
His "success" is evaluated on his ability to conform to classroom and school environment. Granted, our school is fabulous. They really do make every effort to accommodate our son's needs - but again, it can only go so far. They do have certain requirements that he must meet. . .and he wasn't meeting them. So, we tried one ADHD medication. It "worked" quite well for about 5 weeks. Our son became a Steamroller of Productivity and positive attitude. He was completing assignments for the first time. He was working without arguing.
He was not himself.
After 5 weeks, that medication stopped working, so we took a 1 week break while we tried to figure out another medication option to get us to the end of the school year. During that week break, my son said to me, "I don't like the medications."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because it changes who I am," he simply replied.
How do I respond to that kind of statement? What kind of mother am I to suppress who my son is inherently? The medication acts more like a Band-Aid, covering up behaviors to get him through the day, but as he comes down off the medication (and it really is a come-down effect), he returns to himself. . .So I am essentially medicating my child to get through the school day. The medicine doesn't help him change his ways. It doesn't fix whatever is causing the behaviors in the first place.
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Calvin: "Yeah, I know."
Hobbes: "It's not due til Thursday!"
Calvin: "Mom says the pills must be working."
Hobbes: "Well, see. It's snowing outside and I thought maybe. . .
We could. . ."
Calvin: "Sorry, what? I wasn't listening. I really have to finish this."
And why must he change? It would be nice, of course, for certain behaviors to not be as impulsive or dramatic. It would be nice if he could complete things. But must we change who he is in order to achieve these goals? I hope not. . .
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